{"headlines":[{"title":"Everton cruise past Newcastle after Jack Grealish banished from squad","banter":"\"Blimey, mate! Everton didn’t just cruise past Newcastle – they flew first class once Grealish got the boot! Who knew one pretty boy could derail a whole team?!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/everton-newcastle-carabao-cup-fourth-round-match-report"},{"title":"Elimbi Gilbert snatches PSG point to leave Manchester City WCL hopes in balance","banter":"\"Elimbi Gilbert just turned up at PSG like a bad hangover, snatching points and leaving City’s hopes wobblier than a pint on a dodgy table!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/manchester-city-paris-saint-germain-womens-champions-league-match-report"},{"title":"Inter and Milan unveil plans for new shared stadium to replace San Siro","banter":"“Inter and Milan wanna share a new stadium? Great, now they can both lose in the same place—might as well call it the ‘House of Broken Dreams!’”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/inter-milan-generali-stadium-new-venue-san-siro-protests"},{"title":"Uefa close to selecting candidate to run against Infantino in Fifa election","banter":"“Oi, lads! UEFA’s finally found someone brave enough to run against that Infantino bloke! Bet he thinks it’s a bloody game of musical chairs, and he’s glued to his seat!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/uefa-close-to-identifying-candidate-gianni-infantino-in-fifa-election"},{"title":"Scottish Premiership makes first UK move to remove Saturday 3pm broadcast blackout","banter":"“Scottish Prem's lifting the 3pm blackout? Brilliant! Just what we need – more ways to watch teams that only manage to score in their own net!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/scottish-premiership-uk-leagues-tv-broadcast-blackout-football"},{"title":"Carrick keeps Fernandes as captain and says he needs no assurances on United future","banter":"“Did ya hear? Carrick's got Fernandes as captain and says he don’t need assurances about staying—'course not, mate, I wouldn’t want my job security depending on that clown’s penalties either!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/michael-carrick-keeps-bruno-fernandes-captain-assurances-future-manchester-united"},{"title":"Max Dowman to miss three games after Arsenal’s red card appeal rejected","banter":"“Brilliant, mate! Max Dowman's off for three games — guess he’ll have more time to practice his postcode when he's watching from the stands!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/max-dowman-to-miss-three-arsenal-matches-fa-rejects-red-card-appeal-fleetwood"},{"title":"A phone-free Yellow Wall: are Dortmund urging fans to be present or policing them?","banter":"\"Ah, the Yellow Wall's gone phone-free, are they? What’s next, no shouting either? Keep it quiet lads, we don't want to upset the football gods with our excitement, do we?”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/borussia-dortmund-fans-phones"},{"title":"Chelsea’s fine finishing has them flying high – but how long can it last?","banter":"\"Chelsea's finishing's so mint, they'd make a blind bloke look like a striker – but let's see how long before they trip over their own laces!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/chelseas-fine-finishing-has-them-flying-high-but-how-long-can-it-last"},{"title":"Mussolini’s first Serie A goal marks high-flying Lazio’s thrashing of Sassuolo | Nicky Bandini","banter":"\"Oi! Did ya see Mussolini score? I thought Lazio hired him to run the club, not paint the town red with Sassuolo’s tears!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2026/oct/29/serie-a-lazio-sassuolo-romano-floriani-mussolini-gennaro-gattuso"}]}