{"headlines":[{"title":"Harry Kane claims men’s Ballon d’Or to end England’s 25-year wait for winner","banter":"\"Harry Kane finally bags the Ballon d’Or after 25 years, mate! Guess that means the trophy cabinet’s finally getting more action than our wingers on a Saturday night!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/harry-kane-ends-englands-25-year-wait-for-a-mens-ballon-dor"},{"title":"Michael Carrick attends Manchester United training ground as club discuss his fate","banter":"“Oi, did ya hear? Carrick’s at the training ground, apparently they’re deciding whether to keep ‘im or send ‘im to the glue factory! Bloke couldn’t pass a pint at halftime!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/michael-carrick-manchester-united-training-ground-club-discuss-sacking"},{"title":"Damning data: stats that show Michael Carrick’s luck was bound to run out | Andrew Beasley","banter":"\"Michael Carrick’s luck running out? Must’ve been playing bingo instead of football, mate! Bet he’s still got a full house at the pub though!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/damning-data-michael-carrick-manchester-united-head-coach"},{"title":"England Under-15s walk off pitch against Ireland in World Cup after racism allegation","banter":"\"Aye, lads, even the kiddie squad knows how to take a walk! Guess they figured they'd leave the pitch before they had to listen to more of that Irish 'banter'!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/england-under-15-walk-off-pitch-ireland-world-cup-racism-allegation"},{"title":"Mourinho’s plan comes together as Real Madrid relaunch with clásico statement | Sid Lowe","banter":"\"Bloody hell, Mourinho’s finally got a plan! Must’ve found it under the sofa with the last pair of decent boots he borrowed!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/mourinhos-plan-comes-together-as-real-madrid-relaunch-with-clasico-statement"},{"title":"Davide Ancelotti wants to make a name for himself – will he do it at Lille?","banter":"\"Ah, bless him, little Davide's off to Lille to make a name for himself! Good luck, mate – if it’s anything like your dad’s hair, it’ll be a right mess!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/davide-ancelotti-lille-champions-league-ligue-1"},{"title":"WSL talking points: Russo to Arsenal’s rescue and Olid makes Manchester United progress","banter":"\"Did you hear? Russo’s off to save Arsenal like some sort of football superhero, while Olid’s just over at United playing ‘let’s see how far we can crawl before the season ends!' Honestly, they should just charge for the comedy at this point!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/wsl-talking-points-alessia-russo-arsenal-tottenham-manchester-united-city"},{"title":"McTominay stars in Napoli draw that leaves Allegri ‘not lucid enough’ to talk | Nicky Bandini","banter":"\"Oi, did ye hear? McTominay turned into a football genius against Napoli while Allegri's had one too many, bless ‘im! Maybe he should stick to drawing stickmen instead of tactics, eh?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/scott-mctominay-napoli-roma-serie-a-massimiliano-allegri-not-lucid-enough"},{"title":"Pierre Sage regrets ‘missed 15 minutes’ as defeat increases heat on Crystal Palace manager","banter":"\"Ah, Pierre Sage had a right moan about missing 15 minutes—like that’s not how long it takes to find a pint at the bar during a Palace match! Maybe if he spent less time regretting and more time scoring, the manager wouldn’t be sweating like a sinner in church!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/25/pierre-sage-regrets-missed-15-minutes-as-defeat-increases-heat-on-crystal-palace-manager"},{"title":"The horse that ushered in Manchester United’s tragic arc | Jonathan Wilson","banter":"\"Aye, mate, that horse should've just stuck to racing! Who knew it was gonna kick off United's downfall faster than a pub brawl over a last pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/26/the-horse-that-brought-down-manchester-united"}]}