{"headlines":[{"title":"‘I wasn’t performing’: Bruno Fernandes says Carrick was right to drop him after criticism","banter":"\"Bloke says he ain't performing—sounds like he’s just admitting he's not fit to lace Carrick's boots! Must be saving that talent for the pub, eh?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/bruno-fernandes-manchester-united-michael-carrick-roma-champions-league"},{"title":"West Ham took too long to sack Nuno and now must trust Parker to do what he does best | Jacob Steinberg","banter":"“West Ham took so long to sack Nuno, they might as well have just given him a contract for life! Now they’re relying on Parker to do his best—let’s hope that means more than just looking pretty in a suit!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/04/west-ham-took-too-long-to-sack-nuno-and-now-must-trust-parker-to-do-what-he-does-best"},{"title":"Has a footballer ever run a marathon faster than James Milner? | The Knowledge","banter":"“Oi, mate! When it comes to running a marathon, even my nan in slippers could outrun Milner—just need a good pub and a pint to keep her motivated!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/04/footballer-run-marathon-faster-than-james-milner-the-knowledge"},{"title":"Choke of the century? Chengdu collapse sets up thrilling Chinese Super League climax","banter":"“Chengdu collapsing like my mate after a curry! Who knew the Super League could serve up choke of the century? Pass the beer, I’m ready for the ‘thrill’ of watching them gasping for air!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/04/choke-of-the-century-chengdu-collapse-sets-up-thrilling-chinese-super-league-climax"},{"title":"Raphinha underlines Barcelona’s class to give Aston Villa a reality check","banter":"\"Raphinha just gave Villa a lesson in class, like a posh bloke teaching a fish & chip shop how to serve fine dining! Better get those Aston Villa lads some reading glasses for the next reality check!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/barcelona-aston-villa-champions-league-match-report"},{"title":"Lennart Karl steals in behind Atlético Madrid to inspire Bayern Munich win","banter":"\"Oi, did ya see that Karl bloke? He snuck in behind like me missus sneakin' snacks into the pub – next thing ya know, Bayern's chuffin' buyin' him dinner! Must be that fancy German efficiency!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/atletico-madrid-bayern-munich-champions-league-match-report"},{"title":"Championship roundup: Devlin’s double for Portsmouth denies Swansea top spot","banter":"\"Oi, did you see Devlin’s double? Swansea thought they'd be top, but Portsmouth just played a game of ‘no chance, love’—proper football’s got to sting, innit?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/championship-roundup-swansea-portsmouth-southampton-west-brom-burnley"},{"title":"Andoni Iraola calls on Liverpool to sharpen up in attack before Fenerbahce test","banter":"\"Oi, Andoni, maybe Liverpool should spend less time sharpening their attack and more time finding it! Last I checked, their front line's about as lethal as a wet napkin!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/andoni-iraola-calls-on-liverpool-to-sharpen-up-in-attack-before-fenerbahce-test"},{"title":"Arteta backs Saliba’s readiness to return for Arsenal at Slavia Prague","banter":"\"Oi, Arteta thinks Saliba's ready for Slavia? Brilliant! Just what we need – a defender who can read a map better than our midfield!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/arteta-backs-salibas-readiness-to-return-for-arsenal-at-slavia-prague"},{"title":"Mainoo and Lacey raise the spirits but systemic change still required at Manchester United | Nick Ames","banter":"\"Mainoo and Lacey are like a couple of pints that lift ya mood, but let's be honest, mate, we still need a bloody miracle to fix this shower of sh*t at United!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/03/michael-carrick-manchester-united-roma-old-trafford-champions-league"}]}