{"headlines":[{"title":"‘In moments of pain, football comes together’: Spain says goodbye to Jesús de Miguel","banter":"\"Ah, Spain’s getting all mushy over Jesús de Miguel, like a bunch of love-struck footie fans after a dodgy kebab! Pain? Please! We just see it as another excuse for a pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/jesus-de-miguel-death-tenerife-funeral-football-spain"},{"title":"Kamada’s late leveller rescues point for 10-man Crystal Palace and denies Hoffenheim","banter":"\"Aye, look at that! Kamada’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot, but even he could slip one past Hoffenheim’s lot! Ten men and still managed a draw—might as well sign ‘em all up for a part-time job at the circus!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/kamadas-late-leveller-rescues-point-for-10-man-crystal-palace-and-denies-hoffenheim"},{"title":"Europa League: Sunderland lose at home to Zagreb while Celtic enjoy first win","banter":"\"Oi, Sunderland losing at home? Must be the new strategy—playing like a bunch of daft geese while Celtic's out there actually winning! Get the kettle on, lads, we're gonna need a strong brew to survive this season!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/europa-league-roundup-sparta-prague-bournemouth-ferencvaros-milanstay-perfect-while-milan-sunderland-dinamo-zagreb"},{"title":"Cristiano Ronaldo merely the latest example of a great player who couldn’t let go | Jonathan Wilson","banter":"\"Ronaldo’s like that bloke at the pub who can't take a hint—still trying to show off his skills when everyone’s just here for the pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/cristiano-ronaldo-retires-international-football-career-portugal"},{"title":"Scott Parker’s dramatic West Ham return leaves him struggling for words","banter":"“Scott Parker’s back at West Ham, mate! Can’t believe he’s speechless—must’ve blown a fuse trying to remember how to explain the offside rule to his own fans!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/scott-parkers-dramatic-west-ham-return-leaves-him-struggling-for-words"},{"title":"Fifa wants talks over restricting women’s Olympic football to under-23s","banter":"\"Ah, brilliant! So now FIFA's gonna treat women's football like it's some sort of under-23 nursery league. Next, they'll be asking for their own sticker album too!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/fifa-wants-womens-olympic-football-under-23s"},{"title":"Japan FA’s Kozo Tashima to stand against Infantino for Fifa presidency","banter":"\"Oi, Kozo, mate! You sure you wanna take on that Swiss cheese Infantino? He's got more chances than a bad penalty taker!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/japan-fa-head-kozo-tashima-stand-against-gianni-infantino-for-fifa-president"},{"title":"Referee hands out record 53 red cards after chaos at under-20s game in Brazil","banter":"\"53 red cards in a youth game? Blimey, mate! I’ve seen less fuss at a toddler's tea party – must’ve been a proper ‘kick-off’!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/record-53-red-cards-brazil-referee"},{"title":"The international break is almost here: so wave goodbye to your players, and maybe your manager | Max Rushden","banter":"\"International break's coming, lads! Time to say cheerio to our best players and maybe our gaffer too—guess the real kick-off is when they all clear off for a holiday while we’re stuck here watching the bench warmers!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/the-international-break-is-almost-here-so-wave-goodbye-to-your-players-and-maybe-your-manager"},{"title":"Meet Clara Serrajordi: Barcelona’s midfield hope filling the void left by Alexia Putellas | Moving the Goalposts","banter":"\"Ah, Clara Serrajordi, eh? So now we’ve got a new 'hope' in the midfield – brill! Just what we needed: a midfielder to fill Alexia’s boots while the rest of us fill our pints! Cheers to more hopes and dreams, lads!\" 🍻","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/05/clara-serrajordi-barcelona-midfielder-alexia-putellas-moving-the-goalposts"}]}