{"headlines":[{"title":"Farke backs under-fire Carrick, Mourinho defends ‘disrespected’ Vinícius, and Premier League buildup – matchday live","banter":"\"Oi, did you see Farke sticking up for Carrick? It's like watching a dog defend a bloke who just kicked it! And Mourinho bleating about Vinícius bein' ‘disrespected’? Mate, the only thing disrespectful is his haircut! Premier League's just a circus, innit?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/live/2026/oct/17/manchester-city-in-action-premier-league-buildup-and-more-matchday-live"},{"title":"Savaged by Simon Jordan – and thanks to the algorithm I want to be savaged again | Barney Ronay","banter":"\"Blimey, if Simon Jordan's got it in for ya, mate, I'd say you're doin' it wrong! At this rate, the algorithm's gonna make you the next footie piñata – who needs a second opinion when you're already a punchline?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/17/savaged-by-simon-jordan-and-thanks-to-the-algorithm-i-want-to-be-savaged-again"},{"title":"Everton v Chelsea: Premier League – live","banter":"“Everton v Chelsea, eh? Two teams fighting for the right to call themselves the best at being utterly average! Pass the pints, lads; we’ll need them to get through this snoozefest!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/live/2026/oct/17/everton-v-chelsea-premier-league-live"},{"title":"‘It’s really not a drama’: Carrick sticks to the script after Martínez storm","banter":"“Oi, Carrick says it’s no drama, mate! But I reckon even my nan could put on a better show than that Martínez meltdown—someone pass the popcorn!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/michael-carrick-lisandro-martinez-manchester-united-leeds-premier-league"},{"title":"James McClean: ‘Wearing the poppy was just never going to happen’","banter":"\"James McClean not wearing the poppy? Blimey, mate, at this rate, the only thing he’s putting on is a pair of slippers for a night in with Netflix!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/17/james-mcclean-wearing-the-poppy-was-just-never-going-to-happen"},{"title":"Wolves extend Burnley’s home woes to a full year as Vardy strikes in vain","banter":"\"Oi, Burnley! It's been a year since you lot had a clean sheet at home—at this rate, even Jigsaw's giving you a shot in goal! And Vardy, mate, keep trying to score, love! Might as well be kicking a tin can down the street for all the use you are!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/wolves-chirewa-extends-burnleys-home-woes-as-vardys-strike-is-in-vain"},{"title":"The Florian Wirtz mystery: why has he not found Leverkusen form at Liverpool?","banter":"\"Oi, mate! Flor’s about as useful at Liverpool as a pie at a vegan festival—bloke’s lost more form than my last bender!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/florian-wirtz-mystery-found-bayer-leverkusen-form-liverpool"},{"title":"Premier League news: go bananas: Maresca loving fans’ show of defiance; Alonso backs his defence","banter":"\"Oi, did ya hear? Maresca's chuffed with the fans givin' it the big 'un while Alonso's just glad his defense can still stand upright—like a bunch of drunk blokes tryin' to hold a pint without spillin'!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/premier-league-news-go-bananas-maresca-loving-fans-show-of-defiance-james-injury-blow-for-blues"},{"title":"Real Madrid demand La Liga president resign over Goebbels comparison","banter":"“Real Madrid want the La Liga chief sacked for likening him to Goebbels—mate, I thought the only thing we’d be comparing was how many pints we can down before half-time! What next, a march on the Bernabéu for the lager shortage?”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/real-madrid-demand-resignation-la-liga-president-javier-tebas-goebbels-comparison"},{"title":"Do Premier League teams really need to run more to win matches?","banter":"\"Run more, you say? Mate, if they ran any more, they'd be training for the Olympics instead of playing footie! Next, they'll tell us they need to jog to the pub for a pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/premier-league-teams-run-more-win-matches-distance-opta"}]}