{"headlines":[{"title":"‘We have to tell them to go down’: Iraola responds to Isak penalty denial for Liverpool","banter":"\"Oi, did you hear that? Looks like Iraola thinks Isak needs a crash course in 'falling over like a proper tosser' if he wants a penalty against Liverpool! Next, we'll be teaching him how to roll around like he’s been shot!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/andoni-iraola-responds-liverpool-penalty-denial-arsenal-premier-league"},{"title":"Hemp strikes back as Manchester City edge out London City Lionesses in thriller","banter":"“Did you see Hemp strike back? I thought it was a football match, not a bloody soap opera! Manchester City beat them lot so bad, even the Lionesses are considering a career change to dog walking!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/london-city-lionesses-manchester-city-wsl-match-report"},{"title":"WSL roundup: Arsenal stall despite Russo strike; Chelsea’s James suffers injury","banter":"\"Well, Arsenal's still playing hide and seek with the goals, while Chelsea's James just decided his leg needed a little vacation—brilliant plan, mate!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/wsl-roundup-arsenal-aston-villa-alessia-russo-renee-slegers"},{"title":"European football: Mbappé penalty helps Real Madrid stroll to sixth straight win","banter":"\"Ah, look at that! Mbappé nicks a penalty and Real Madrid's off for a Sunday stroll—if only my betting slip could stroll back to the pub with my winnings!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/european-football-real-madrid-lazio-juventus-napoli-kylian-mbappe"},{"title":"Michael Carrick to stay in charge of Manchester United for Roma game","banter":"\"Looks like Carrick's got the gaffer's jacket for the Roma match – great, now we can officially blame him for the dodgy pizza and tactics!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/michael-carrick-stay-manager-manchester-united-roma-game"},{"title":"Scottish roundup: Falkirk shock Celtic; Hibernian beat Hearts in semi-final","banter":"\"Oi, did you hear? Falkirk's just given Celtic a right good slap, and Hibs turned Hearts into their personal punching bag! Looks like the Scottish League's turned into a bloody panto—who's next, Jack and the Beanstalk?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/rangers-aberdeen-scottish-league-cup-semi-final-match-report"},{"title":"Should Premier League strugglers stick or twist as pressure on managers mounts?  | Andrew Beasley","banter":"\"Should these numpties stick with their managers or twist 'em like a kebab? I dunno, mate, it's not like they’re playing chess—just sack 'em and let the new bloke get us relegated sooner!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/michael-carrick-manchester-united-favourite-premier-league-sack-race"},{"title":"Boy hands himself into police after Bradley Lowery taunt in Sunderland match","banter":"\"Oi, mate, looks like that lad's career in banter's over quicker than Sunderland's chance of winning a trophy! Handing himself in? What’s next, a medal for worst heckle?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/police-bradley-lowery-taunt-coventry-sunderland-premier-league"},{"title":"Zion Suzuki horror own goal haunts Aston Villa to hand Fulham a point","banter":"\"Oi, did you see Suzuki's own goal? Crikey, mate, even my nan could’ve scored that one better—and she’s been dead for years! Aston Villa should be handing out ghostbusters kit instead of uniforms!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/aston-villa-fulham-premier-league-match-report"},{"title":"Liverpool’s work in progress fizzles out in the face of streetwise champions | Andy Hunter","banter":"\"Looks like Liverpool's still using training wheels while them streetwise champions are out here on mopeds, innit? Who knew football had a toddler league?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/nov/01/liverpool-work-in-progress-fizzles-out-arsenal-premier-league"}]}