{"headlines":[{"title":"Michael Carrick insists he will still be in charge of Manchester United against Roma","banter":"\"Oh brilliant, Carrick’s still in charge! What’s next, him managing the tea rounds too? Might as well let him pick the bloody sandwiches for the team!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/michael-carrick-chelsea-manchester-united-roma-premier-league"},{"title":"Zion Suzuki horror own goal haunts Aston Villa to hand Fulham a point","banter":"\"Oi, did you see that own goal from Suzuki? I mean, if Aston Villa wanted to give Fulham a point, they should've just sent them a card instead of letting him play footy! What a right muppet!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/aston-villa-fulham-premier-league-match-report"},{"title":"Spurs see off Crystal Palace after Mateta’s early red to pile pressure on Sage","banter":"\"Well done, Spurs! Didn’t need the Palace’s best player to show 'em the door – looks like Sage is feeling the heat, just like his hair transplant on a bad day!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/tottenham-crystal-palace-premier-league-match-report"},{"title":"Enzo Maresca rues ‘silly’ errors after Manchester City defeat against Brighton","banter":"“Enzo’s upset about ‘silly’ errors, mate? Should’ve just brought a clown instead of a defence – at least the fans would’ve had a laugh!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/enzo-maresca-manchester-city-brighton-premier-league"},{"title":"European football: Kane misses penalty as Dortmund share spoils in Der Klassiker","banter":"\"Blimey, even Kane’s penalties are getting more chances than he is! Dortmund must’ve thought it was Christmas—no gifts today, mate!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/european-football-harry-kane-bayern-munich-borussia-dortmund-milan-inter-barcelona"},{"title":"Naderi breaks Aberdeen’s resistance as Rangers reach Premier Sports Cup final","banter":"\"Aye, Naderi finally broke Aberdeen's defense – must've thought he was smashing through a paper wall at a kid's birthday party! Rangers in the cup final? Who'd have thought it? Can't wait for their next 'surprise' win!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/rangers-aberdeen-scottish-league-cup-semi-final-match-report"},{"title":"Julio Enciso strikes again to earn Ipswich a point against Hull","banter":"\"Blimey! Julio Enciso’s on fire again! At this rate, he'll be scoring more points than my mum during bingo night! Hull must be thrilled; they managed to dodge a proper hiding!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/hull-ipswich-premier-league-match-report"},{"title":"‘We need to be better’: Manchester United’s Olid demands progress after Everton draw","banter":"\"Oi, Olid! You reckon we should be better after that draw? Blimey, mate, I'm just impressed we didn't manage to lose against a team that plays like they'd lost their last five brains!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/everton-manchester-united-wsl-match-report"},{"title":"If Mikel Arteta’s dossier is part of a deliberate strategy, it is a dangerous one for Arsenal | Jonathan Wilson","banter":"“Arteta’s got a dossier? Blimey, mate, I thought he was just taking notes on how to lose gracefully! Seems like he's writing the blueprint for Arsenal’s next glorious chapter of ‘how to fluff it again!’”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/mikel-arteta-dossier-arsenal-everton-premier-league"},{"title":"Manchester United’s capitulation at Chelsea paints picture of a club that barely exists | Barney Ronay","banter":"\"Watching United flop at Chelsea was like seeing a bacon sandwich at a vegan cafe—barely a hint of what it used to be!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/31/manchester-united-chelsea-premier-league-michael-carrick"}]}