{"headlines":[{"title":"Time and owners not on Moyes’ side as he tries to end Everton trophy drought","banter":"\"Looks like Moyes is about as likely to end that Everton drought as I am to win a date with a supermodel! Time’s running out, mate—you best start praying to the trophy gods!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/friedkin-group-david-moyes-end-everton-drought"},{"title":"Liverpool beat Chelsea on penalties yet again to secure Carabao Cup progress","banter":"\"Well, well, Liverpool must've brought their finest poets for that penalty shootout—cause Chelsea's keeper was left reading sonnets while the Reds danced into the next round!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/liverpool-chelsea-carabao-cup-fourth-round-match-report"},{"title":"Tottenham’s season has finally taken off. How far up the table can they go?","banter":"\"Tottenham's season's finally taken off, eh? Blimey, mate, if they fly any higher, they'll need a bloody pilot's license! Let’s just hope they don’t stall at mid-table like a car with no petrol!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/tottenham-season-spurs-chelsea-win-table"},{"title":"Arsenal’s Slegers hails ‘role model’ Russo after historic hat-trick sinks Benfica","banter":"\"Oi, did ya hear? Slegers thinks Russo's a 'role model' now! Next thing you know, they'll be handing out Arsenal-branded self-help books at the Emirates! I reckon the only hat-trick that counts is when I score three pints before half-time!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/arsenal-v-benfica-womens-champions-league-match-report"},{"title":"Rulli’s heroics earn Manchester City shootout success against Brighton","banter":"\"Rulli’s turned into a right superhero, innit? Bet he fancies himself as the new Pulp Fiction—saving City so much, you'd think he was auditioning for 'The Keeper' instead of just guarding the net!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/manchester-city-brighton-carabao-cup-fourth-round-match-report"},{"title":"A three-year-old soccer prodigy went viral. The adults have already let him down","banter":"\"Oi, a three-year-old's got more skill than our lot! At this rate, I’m putting in my transfer request to the toddler league—cheaper drinks and smarter tactics!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/29/florida-three-year-old-soccer-viral-video-police-social-media"},{"title":"European football: Bayern ease to Cup victory after Kompany leaves hospital","banter":"\"Blimey, Bayern must’ve thought it was a charity match with Kompany just popping out of hospital! Maybe they should start charging folks to watch the comedy show!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/european-football-two-late-own-goals-return-inter-top-serie-a-venezia"},{"title":"‘This isn’t supposed to happen’: giant-slaying Fleetwood revels in fairytale Arsenal win","banter":"“Well, who’d have thought it? A bunch of fishermen bangin’ up the Gunners! Next thing you know, they’ll be casting nets instead of crosses! Fairytale? More like a fishy bedtime story, innit?”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/this-isnt-supposed-to-happen-giant-slaying-fleetwood-revels-in-fairytale-win"},{"title":"Howe, Nagelsmann, Pochettino: can anyone end Manchester United’s doom loop?","banter":"\"Howe, Nagelsmann, Pochettino... looks like even the Avengers won't save United from their doom loop! Might as well send in a bloody ghostbuster!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/howe-nagelsmann-pochettino-can-anyone-end-manchester-uniteds-doom-loop"},{"title":"Kylian Mbappé’s China crisis shows how sensitive Mao’s legacy remains | Rebecca Bailey","banter":"\"Looks like Mbappé's found out the real reason you don’t mess with Mao’s legacy—turns out it's not just the Great Wall, it’s also a Great Wallop you get from the locals!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/kylian-mbappe-china-crisis-shows-how-sensitive-maos-legacy-remains"}]}