{"headlines":[{"title":"James McClean: ‘Wearing the poppy was just never going to happen’","banter":"“James McClean says wearing the poppy was never gonna happen - mate, I’d say his rugby skills are better than his excuses!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/17/james-mcclean-wearing-the-poppy-was-just-never-going-to-happen"},{"title":"The Florian Wirtz mystery: why has he not found Leverkusen form at Liverpool?","banter":"“Florian Wirtz at Liverpool, eh? Seems like he’s gone from ‘Leverkusen legend’ to ‘lost in translation!’ Maybe he thinks Merseyside's just a fancy holiday destination!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/florian-wirtz-mystery-found-bayer-leverkusen-form-liverpool"},{"title":"‘It’s really not a drama’: Carrick sticks to the script after Martínez storm","banter":"\"Oi, Carrick’s playin’ it cool, eh? Must be lovely in his little drama-free bubble while Martínez is kickin’ off like a toddler without sweets! Maybe we should get him a script for a whinge instead!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/michael-carrick-lisandro-martinez-manchester-united-leeds-premier-league"},{"title":"Wolves extend Burnley’s home woes to a full year as Vardy strikes in vain","banter":"\"Vardy's striking like he's got a bet on, but all he's done is add another year to Burnley's home humiliation. At this rate, even their garden gnomes are starting to feel sorry for 'em!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/wolves-chirewa-extends-burnleys-home-woes-as-vardys-strike-is-in-vain"},{"title":"Premier League news: go bananas: Maresca loving fans’ show of defiance; Alonso backs his defence","banter":"\"Did you hear? Maresca's loving the fans going bananas – like that’s gonna help when Alonso’s defense is as solid as a wet paper bag! Cheers to our glorious meltdown!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/premier-league-news-go-bananas-maresca-loving-fans-show-of-defiance-james-injury-blow-for-blues"},{"title":"Mikel Arteta defends job cuts at Arsenal to help club ‘evolve and create success’","banter":"“Arteta says cutting jobs will help us ‘evolve’—what's next, sacking the fans to save on noise pollution?”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/mikel-arteta-defends-job-cuts-at-arsenal-to-help-club-evolve-and-create-success"},{"title":"Real Madrid demand La Liga president resign over Goebbels comparison","banter":"“Oi, Real Madrid want the La Liga chairman out ‘cause he compared him to Goebbels! I dunno about that mate, but if he can spin a tale as well as Real can fake a penalty, he’s got a bright future!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/real-madrid-demand-resignation-la-liga-president-javier-tebas-goebbels-comparison"},{"title":"Infantino told by top Fifa figures to scrap or depoliticise peace prize after Trump furore","banter":"\"Infantino’s got more chance of finding peace in a pub brawl than sorting that Trump mess! Might as well give the peace prize to a traffic cone at this point, mate!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/gianni-infantino-fifa-peace-prize-scrap-politicians-donald-trump"},{"title":"Álvaro Arbeloa’s push to make Fulham free-flowing is floundering already","banter":"“Looks like Arbeloa’s plan for Fulham to play free-flowing footie is like a pint at last call—floundering before it even gets started! Oi, pass the crisps!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/alvaro-arbeloas-push-to-make-fulham-free-flowing-is-floundering-already"},{"title":"Do Premier League teams really need to run more to win matches?","banter":"\"Do Premier League teams need to run more? Blimey, I thought the only thing they were training for was a pint-drinking competition!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/premier-league-teams-run-more-win-matches-distance-opta"}]}