{"headlines":[{"title":"Liverpool beat Chelsea on penalties yet again to secure Carabao Cup progress","banter":"\"Ah, look at that! Liverpool puts Chelsea through the penalty shootout blender again—at this rate, Chelsea should just start handing out a free therapy session with every Carabao Cup ticket!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/liverpool-chelsea-carabao-cup-fourth-round-match-report"},{"title":"Arsenal’s Slegers hails ‘role model’ Russo after historic hat-trick sinks Benfica","banter":"\"Oi, Slegers calls Russo a role model, but mate, my missus can score a hat-trick in her sleep—just throw some fries at her!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/arsenal-v-benfica-womens-champions-league-match-report"},{"title":"Rulli’s heroics earn Manchester City shootout success against Brighton","banter":"\"Rulli must've thought he was playing for the bloody Avengers, mate! Saving penalties like he's got superpowers — meanwhile, Brighton's strikers couldn't hit the broad side of a barn door if it was wide open!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/manchester-city-brighton-carabao-cup-fourth-round-match-report"},{"title":"European football: Bayern ease to Cup victory after Kompany leaves hospital","banter":"\"Ah, look at Bayern strutting to that Cup, must’ve been a right doddle with Kompany just outta hospital—talk about the old 'bandage and charge' tactic!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/european-football-two-late-own-goals-return-inter-top-serie-a-venezia"},{"title":"Nketiah takes Crystal Palace past Fulham and earns Sage breathing space","banter":"\"Oi mate, Nketiah just gave Palace more room to breathe than I get in this packed pub – and you know how I like to hog the pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/fulham-crystal-palace-carabao-cup-fourth-round-match-report"},{"title":"Howe, Nagelsmann, Pochettino: can anyone end Manchester United’s doom loop?","banter":"\"Oi, mate! At this rate, even the bloody ghost of Sir Alex won't save 'em from that doom loop! Might as well send in a psychic!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/howe-nagelsmann-pochettino-can-anyone-end-manchester-uniteds-doom-loop"},{"title":"Scottish Premiership: McInnes booed in Rangers draw at Hearts, Celtic held at home","banter":"\"Ah, McInnes getting booed at Hearts—guess even the crowd knows he’s about as popular as a pie at a veggie café! And Celtic held at home? Must’ve thought they were playing charades instead of football!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/scottish-premiership-makhanya-late-header-rangers-point-at-hearts-celtic-draw"},{"title":"Carabao Cup roundup: Bournemouth thrash Villa, Sunderland salvo stings Bees","banter":"\"Oi, did ya see Bournemouth give Villa a proper slap? It's like watchin' a mugger rob a blind man, and Sunderland? Blimey, they made the Bees look like a bunch of daft school kids tryin' to play footie!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/carabao-cup-fouth-round-bournemouth-aston-villa-sunderland-brentford"},{"title":"‘This isn’t supposed to happen’: giant-slaying Fleetwood revels in fairytale Arsenal win","banter":"“Fleetwood smashing Arsenal? Blimey, even my nan could’ve scored against those muppets! Must’ve thought the FA Cup was bingo night!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/this-isnt-supposed-to-happen-giant-slaying-fleetwood-revels-in-fairytale-win"},{"title":"Kylian Mbappé’s China crisis shows how sensitive Mao’s legacy remains | Rebecca Bailey","banter":"\"Looks like even Mbappé’s got more issues in China than a dodgy takeaway! Who knew Mao’s ghost was still throwing tantrums?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/28/kylian-mbappe-china-crisis-shows-how-sensitive-maos-legacy-remains"}]}