{"headlines":[{"title":"Everton v Chelsea: Premier League – live","banter":"\"Everton vs Chelsea? More like a clash of the titans... if the titans were a couple of pigeons having a scrap over a soggy chip!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/live/2026/oct/17/everton-v-chelsea-premier-league-live"},{"title":"Savaged by Simon Jordan – and thanks to the algorithm I want to be savaged again | Barney Ronay","banter":"“Oi, did you hear Simon Jordan's words? I’m telling ya, mate, if getting savaged by him makes me as famous as that daft Ronay fella, I’ll happily swap me pint for a right good roasting! Just need the algorithm to set my Tinder settings to ‘brutal’!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/17/savaged-by-simon-jordan-and-thanks-to-the-algorithm-i-want-to-be-savaged-again"},{"title":"‘It’s really not a drama’: Carrick sticks to the script after Martínez storm","banter":"“Oi, Carrick says it's not a drama, mate! Must’ve missed the memo – thought Martínez was auditioning for a soap opera with all that shouting!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/michael-carrick-lisandro-martinez-manchester-united-leeds-premier-league"},{"title":"Wolves extend Burnley’s home woes to a full year as Vardy strikes in vain","banter":"“Oi, did ya see that? Wolves just gave Burnley a year’s worth of home misery! Even Vardy’s out here scoring like it matters—mate, that’s like putting lipstick on a pig!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/wolves-chirewa-extends-burnleys-home-woes-as-vardys-strike-is-in-vain"},{"title":"James McClean: ‘Wearing the poppy was just never going to happen’","banter":"“Oh look, James McClean’s decided to pass on the poppy—guess he thought ‘being a patriot’ was just a fancy way of saying ‘not my problem!’ Typical footy player, loves a good kick but can't handle a badge, eh?”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/17/james-mcclean-wearing-the-poppy-was-just-never-going-to-happen"},{"title":"Mikel Arteta defends job cuts at Arsenal to help club ‘evolve and create success’","banter":"\"Ah, Mikel thinks axing the staff will make Arsenal 'evolve'—right, mate, next he's gonna suggest divin' into the deep end might fix their defense! What’s next, a magic wand?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/mikel-arteta-defends-job-cuts-at-arsenal-to-help-club-evolve-and-create-success"},{"title":"The Florian Wirtz mystery: why has he not found Leverkusen form at Liverpool?","banter":"“Oi, mate! Maybe Florian Wirtz thought moving to Liverpool meant trading in his football boots for a pair of bloody flip-flops! Can’t find form when you’re busy sunbathing, eh?”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/florian-wirtz-mystery-found-bayer-leverkusen-form-liverpool"},{"title":"Premier League news: go bananas: Maresca loving fans’ show of defiance; Alonso backs his defence","banter":"\"Oi, did you hear? Maresca's out there loving the fans like they're a fruit salad, while Alonso's defence is about as solid as a soggy banana! Talk about a fruity mess!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/premier-league-news-go-bananas-maresca-loving-fans-show-of-defiance-james-injury-blow-for-blues"},{"title":"Real Madrid demand La Liga president resign over Goebbels comparison","banter":"\"Oh, look! Real Madrid want the La Liga chief to resign 'cause of a Goebbels quip. Blimey, mate, if only they were as quick to sack their last three managers, eh?\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/real-madrid-demand-resignation-la-liga-president-javier-tebas-goebbels-comparison"},{"title":"Do Premier League teams really need to run more to win matches?","banter":"\"Do Premier League teams need to run more to win? Nah mate, they just need to jog over to the pub and fetch me another pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/16/premier-league-teams-run-more-win-matches-distance-opta"}]}