{"headlines":[{"title":"Coventry City v Newcastle United: Premier League – live","banter":"“Coventry vs Newcastle? More like the Battle of Who Can Trip Over Their Own Excuses! Bet they're both fighting for the prize of who can make the most pathetic dive! Pass the pints!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/live/2026/oct/12/coventry-city-newcastle-united-premier-league-live-score-updates"},{"title":"Grounded: Rayo Vallecano’s paper planes bring club’s crisis into the open","banter":"\"Oi, Rayo Vallecano’s so broke they’ve gone from flying high to folding paper planes—bet their new kit’s just a recycling bin!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/rayo-vallecano-paper-planes-abandoned-raul-martin-presa-la-liga"},{"title":"Burnham’s meeting with City’s al-Mubarak and other contact with club disclosed","banter":"“Burnham meets with City’s al-Mubarak? Blimey, must be planning a lads’ weekend to discuss how to buy the league like it's a bloody pint!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/andy-burnham-meeting-manchester-city-contacts-disclosed"},{"title":"‘No negativity’: Carrick still confident at Manchester United despite ‘sticky’ start","banter":"\"Oi, Carrick's still confident, bless him! Must be using that ‘no negativity’ mantra to keep the pitch from becoming a bloody bog! Sticky start? More like they’ve got the Teflon feet on!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/michael-carrick-manchester-united-no-negativity-atletico-madrid"},{"title":"Football Daily | Manchester City, Liverpool and the multibillion-pound mirage","banter":"\"Multibillion-pound mirage, eh? More like a bunch of rich blokes playing hide-and-seek with trophies while the rest of us just try to find a decent pint!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/football-daily-email-manchester-city-liverpool"},{"title":"Football regulator to recommend cost controls in landmark report with 94% of clubs making loss","banter":"\"Cost controls, eh? Brilliant idea! Maybe they should just hand out ‘How to Run a Club on a Shoestring’ pamphlets at the pub—94% of us could use a bloody laugh at this rate!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/football-regulator-cost-controls-report-state-of-the-game"},{"title":"Hincapié and Zubimendi out after warm-down injuries but Arsenal get Saliba boost","banter":"“Oi, did ya hear? Hincapié and Zubimendi went down after a warm-down, must’ve taken a tumble tryna keep up with our Saliba! Looks like they should’ve just stuck to knees up instead of warming down!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/piero-hincapie-martin-zubimendi-injuries-warm-down-arsenal-mikel-arteta-william-saliba"},{"title":"Almost half of female footballers considering retiring early, players’ union survey shows","banter":"“Blimey, half of ‘em want to hang up their boots early! Must be the only job where you get to kick a ball and still think, ‘Nah, I’m done with this rubbish!’”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/womens-football-almost-half-considering-retiring-early-survey-fifpro"},{"title":"Six questions facing England as they target next year’s Women’s World Cup","banter":"“Six questions, eh? Should’ve just asked if anyone’s got a spare pair of shin pads for the pub team – we’d stand a better chance at the Cup than these lot!”","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/england-next-summer-womens-world-cup"},{"title":"Premier League: 10 talking points from the weekend’s action","banter":"\"10 talking points from the weekend's action? Aye, mate, and I’ve got 10 reasons why I’d rather listen to me nan’s knitting club gossip than watch that shambles!\"","link":"https://www.theguardian.com/football/2026/oct/12/premier-league-10-talking-points-from-the-weekend-action"}]}